In an unprecedented display of zero tolerance for “wokeness,” the NFL kicked off its new season by disqualifying seven players for the egregious offense of kneeling during the national anthem. Yes, you read that right. While millions tuned in to watch the NFL’s season-opening ceremony, a small group of players dared to take a knee, and the league’s reaction was swift and ruthless. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the sports world, the NFL announced that it would no longer tolerate any form of protest during the anthem. Because, apparently, the league has had enough of kneeling—and anything resembling “wokeness.”

“This is a new season, free from kneeling wokeness,” declared NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at a hastily organized press conference, barely concealing his glee at finally putting an end to the four-year-old saga that’s divided fans, players, and commentators alike.

“From now on, players will stand tall, proud, and completely devoid of any political opinions—at least during the national anthem,” Goodell continued, standing in front of a large banner that read Keep Football Great, which, let’s be honest, feels a bit too on-the-nose.

The players who took the now-infamous knee were immediately escorted off the field by security in scenes more fitting for a high-stakes heist movie than the opening ceremony of America’s favorite sport. Among those disqualified were some big names: defensive end Marcus “The Wall” Johnson, wide receiver Devin Thompson, and offensive lineman Ricky “Brick House” Davis, to name a few. Each was reportedly told to hand in their helmets, pack up their lockers, and, in a final insult, delete their social media accounts for good measure.

It turns out that taking a knee is no longer just an act of political protest—it’s now a disqualifying offense, akin to taking performance-enhancing drugs or being caught deflating footballs.

“We warned them,” Goodell said, shaking his head with the disappointment of a parent whose kid just threw a fastball through the living room window. “We’ve given them enough chances. But these players didn’t listen. They chose the path of wokeness, and now they’ll have plenty of time to reflect on their actions—from the comfort of their living rooms.”

The players, for their part, have remained silent in the face of this sudden disqualification. Or rather, they would have said something—if they hadn’t been forced to delete all their social media accounts, effectively rendering them mute in the digital world.

This bold new move is part of the NFL’s broader attempt to reclaim its turf from what many fans and owners have deemed “unnecessary distractions.” After years of debates over anthem protests, the league has decided that enough is enough. The goal? A unified football season where the only kneeling allowed is in the huddle—and even then, only for a limited amount of time, because, as Goodell emphasized, “Let’s not get carried away with the symbolism.”

“This is football,” Goodell said, raising his arms dramatically like a preacher at a revival meeting. “It’s not about politics. It’s not about social justice. It’s about 22 men on a field knocking the sense out of each other for the entertainment of the masses. And we want to get back to that pure, glorious, untainted version of the game. No more kneeling, no more ‘woke’ messaging. Just football.”

To really drive the point home, the NFL has also unveiled a series of new in-stadium rules for the season, including mandatory flag-waving during the anthem (fans will be issued small American flags at the gate) and a “stand or leave” policy where anyone caught sitting or kneeling will be asked to “reconsider their commitment to the game.” As if anyone needed further proof, the league seems dead set on removing anything even remotely political from its turf.

In one particularly bizarre twist, it’s been reported that certain teams are considering playing the national anthem multiple times throughout the game, just to ensure that players don’t get any funny ideas about protesting at halftime. There’s even talk of installing “patriot cams” in stadiums to ensure that fans and players alike are standing during the anthem. After all, as one team owner put it, “If you’re not standing, are you even an American?”